helllooo monday

Before I get to the weekend, let me tell ya'll about a little tidbit of last week. We got home from work and it was still a gorgeous day. Feeling bad for the doggies being locked up all day, we decided to take them for an afternoon stroll. I would say we were about 5 blocks deep into our walk when I hear Beibs talking all kinds of gibberish. I started paying more attention to him only to figure out that he was whipping the leash at Luke saying "MUSH! MUSH!". That's right, Luke the Alaskan Labrador concrete sledding dog. We are pioneering this breed. I'm patiently awaiting our call from Cuba Gooding Jr. to use Luke in Snow Dogs 2.

Back to the weekend. You'll never guess what we did. Yep, a wedding and date with the BGE. Beibs thinks that ribs have it out for him. We spend every Sunday marinating, basting and rubbing ribs in hopes to have the perfect smoked decadent ribs from Beibs dreams. We are now three Sunday's involved in this tradition (yep, it is getting that serious) and I do not see an end in the near future. I had to use his Pad the other day (mine is almost always lost somewhere or I'm too lazy to look for it) and upon turning it on, I found 4 tabs open all containing random enhancements or snazzy new gadgets all for the BGE. When Halloween rolls around this year, if you see a giant green egg shaped costume walking around don't fret, its just me trying to get some attention from the Beibster (okay, it is not that bad, yet). Or maybe something similar to this...

I've semi figured out how to stay on the level with the BGE. One word, pie. There just aren't words to describe the mouthwatering sensation that comes with brown sugar. I think I may have gotten close with this recipe, though. Honey Crisp Bourbon Pecan Pie. Perfection. This will now be my go to dessert. The pie quickly became the mistress of our household and had to go.  Joseph fought a hard fight to keep it at the house but it seems highly counterproductive to get up at 6:30am heading to the gym and coming home to a pie. Hasta luego!

The wedding I attended this weekend was none other than precious Virginia Patton's (or I guess now Mrs. Evans!). My, oh my, there just aren't any words to describe the amazingness of her wedding. Endless tables of sushi, light-up bars, rotating lighted floors, scratching djs - it was straight out of Vegas in a classy, sophisticated way (so nothing like Vegas). Home girl knows how to throw a party.

confidence booster

So there I sat, living a dull moment in life. What to do? First thing that came to mind was get on the internet and figure out which celebrity I resemble most. Just like any other bored person on the planet would do. I went through my profile pictures and found one that just had me in it (sorry beibster) and uploaded to the Celebrity Look Alike Generator. Let me just show you how well this worked out for me.

Highest match at a whopping 69%… drum roll please….

Yep, exactly. Boris Becker. Apparently I have blue eyes, no eyebrows, frosted hair and a protruding Adam's apple. After getting over the initial shock, I decided that they weren't telling me I'm a man but they were telling me that I must be extremely athletic and fit. Nailed it on the head. Psshh…

Second highest match at 68%….

Whhaatttt… Ashanti. Did I miss something here? I decided to make my own interpretation with this one as well. What they really meant to tell me was that they can tell that I possess an inner gangster rap princess. On point. Or maybe they were telling me that they know I am very punctual. She must have written that song about me. Yep, that's it. And in case you don't remember the song, let me remind you -

Third highest match at 67%…

 Wow. Michael Bloomberg. I can only take from this they were telling me I need to get a facelift with my multimillion dollar net worth. Don't worry Michael, I'll let you catch the tab. No worries. Move over NY, I'm coming your way!

Fourth highest match at 66%…

Dude. Another dude. Oscar de la Renta. I apparently not only strongly resemble a man, but I also am the best dressed man in the history of the universe. I have no possible way of interpreting this to fit my fancy due the fact that I completely disallow all fashion rules. I'ma do me. (and hopefully by doing me, that also mean I'm going to resemble a girl)

Moral of the day: Do not get bored and try to figure out your closest resemblance to a celebrity. If you need to find me, I'll be in the Outback with my head buried in the sand living with a pack of ostriches. Lesson learned.

bearded

Told ya'll, I'm still alive and kicking just kicking it in a different since Lent season. I've gone from a Red Bull blogging level to a unsweet tea blogging level. Eventually I'll find my happy Diet Coke medium but until then expect the sporadic posts as of now.

I am 100% obsessed with Duck Dynasty. I don't hunt or anything of that nature but if I did, these folks would be my idol. We went to see Luke Bryan in concert and about half way through the concert Willie walked out on stage. I came within inches of ending my life by standing up way too fast and almost throwing myself over the railing. I'm telling ya'll, I'm obsessed. I die out laughing through the entire 21 minutes of each episode (sad, I know that).

I don't know if these kids pop out of the womb with beards or what, but they definitely know how to grow one. Awards time! Third place goes to Phil. He is putting that beard to work with his Santa Claus length.  Second place goes to Willie. That wooly mammoth beard mixed in with his afro puff of hair makes him a strong contender. Drum roll please… The winner of the best beard goes to Si! That tie-dyed salt and pepper beard is hands down the best.

I'm thinking that with Willie's constant need to open a new business he should journey into beard products. Beard feathers, beard beadazzling, who knows!

I saw this product and instantly thought of the Robertson clan. Perfection. I have no idea why your beard needs oil or what the oiling of a beard actually does but to each their own. I'll have to ponder for eternity due to my lack of being able to product a beard (not complaining).

life out west

Guess what? I am alive and kicking! Sorry for the absence, life got in the way and blah, blah, blah. This past weekend Joseph and I decided to go on a trip to visit a certain someone. Take a guess who I was. Hint: He was a childhood cowboy pageant boy (just kidding!)

Yup, he's a looker. We went to see none other than the one and only, AO.

The seven-hour drive ended up taking about 9. I'm pretty sure that we stopped at about every exit that had a gas station. Plus, we decided to make a pit stop by Subway which happened to be in a Wal-Mart. I DO NOT advise anyone to ever stop at Wal-Mart mid car trip. We finally escaped an hour later with three bags of car food (of course). It was well worth the tacked on hour because we also escaped that town loaded down with Strawberry Abita. I kept trying to make excuses to have a reason to pop one open but that doesn't seem to work out for the best when your in a car minus a bottle opener.

AO took us to some amazing places while we were there including an all day Beer-A-Thon. But, the top of my list was Anvil. (don't judge them by their lackluster website, it is a snazzy place) My, oh my, those folks know how to mix a drink. Please, if you are ever in the area, do yourself a favor and stop. I'm pretty sure they may specialize in birthing alcoholics. It's that good. And my favorite part, their attention to detail. They take their time making sure that your drink is made precisely the way it should be and serve it up in precious glasses. Don't worry, they have "man" glasses too. Beibs made sure not to order any drinks that came in champagne a/k/a "girl glasses".

Running a close second (and by close, they may as well be conjoined twins) would have to be Kung Fu Saloon. They have all of the best arcade games from our childhoods and they are all FREE! I learned a lot about Beibs at that place. He apparently knows all the of the secret moves to Mortal Kombat, makes animals run out in front of your car in Rush and can land skee-balls in back to back 100's effortlessly. Looks like he earned those gamer thumbs as a child.

I'm almost positive that those two boys are secret soulmates. Besstt fraannnsss!

the noodle

Like I've previously told ya'll, when I get something in my head I won't stop until I find it. Beibs and I have decided to have a lifestyle change. So far we are three days deep in our 6:30 am workouts. If ya'll have ever tried to wake Beibs up, ya'll know what I am dealing with. He despises the morning. Me, on the otherhand, well I go to sleep talking and wake up singing. I adore morning time. Maybe it has to do with my cereal obsession. Who knows?

We joined a gym so that took care of the working out. Now, it is my job to do the "dieting". I am a terrible dieter. I love to cook. Cooking and eating go hand in hand. Stir, taste, boil, taste, simmer, taste. By the time I am 20 minutes in, I'm pretty sure I've already consumed a Big Mac.

I set out on a quest to find the ultimate "dieter" noodle, shirataki. I have heard mixed reviews about it. Some people say it is nasty and some say they hardly taste a difference. I needed to find out for myself. I went to Kroger, no luck. Fresh Market, no luck. Wal-Mart, no luck. Everywhere I went, I ended up with zilch. At this point, I was thinking that Mr. Abita Strawberry and Mrs. Shirataki eloped to Aruba to never be seen or heard from ever again. I decided to start my online research and found a lead (going detective style - yes, it's that serious) that Asian markets may carry them. I finally found them at Van Hung. I could tell from the looks I received that not too many people meeting my description journey through their doors.

Everything looked a lot like jibberish (seeing that I am unicultural). Time to go old school and just look at the pictures. After looking long enough, I found that most of their packaging was written with English in teeny-tiny print (not that it helped). I'm pretty sure that I looked like a blind person with my face 2 inches from the products trying to figure out what they were.

This caught my attention when I noticed that can in the top right corner. Yep, the green one. Aloe. Since when can you drink aloe? Next time I am 5 minutes away from a sunburn death, I'll be sure and try this approach - coat myself from the inside out.

 

Just your neighborhood porcupine. Just kidding! Its actually a durian(?). No idea what that is either. I'll be sure and try that anivegifruit another visit. Surely it tastes better than it looks.

The goods - and yes they have the shirataki noodle! Whoop, whoop!

In saving the best for last, let me introduce you to the most amazing candy ever. Its a fusion of laffy taffy and salt water taffy. Not to firm, not to soft - just like the perfect mattress. I made it through the first pack before I made it out of the parking lot. Whoops.

Update: I am a Shirataki fan. Looks like they will be seeing more of me!

life after lent

Well, I survived Lent and succeeded to my goal. Most people give things up for Lent. Not this chick. I decided to take on the world. This year I decided to give up procrastination. I never want to hear people complain about giving up chocolate or their beloved fast food ever again. DO YALL HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPOSSIBLE IT IS TO NOT PUT ANYTHING OFF?! If the trash was full, I had to empty it immediately. No waiting for the trash man. Clothes need washing? They were headed on a red-eye flight straight to the washing machine. But my, oh my, my house is looking tiptop these days.

My goal of putting procrastinating well into extinction lead me straight here. This blog was made around seven months ago. It has been sitting, like an overlooked stepchild, in my blogger dock since then. I tried to use the excuse that it just wasn't blogging season and that's what led to the months-long of neglect. In the end, I am the one who ended up on the downside of this deal. I had no idea the deprivation I was putting myself through without ever knowing the fulfillment that comes along with blogging.

It gave me more excuses to make lists. Plan days in advance of what each day's post would be. Draft posts for the next day. It gave birth to a complete new form of online OCD that I never I needed. The planner looks a hot mess but not to fret, it all is worth the turmoil. I have an slight issue with planners. And... I may just have three other planner not shown below. Planners gone plan, haters gone hate.

I am writing this post to tell ya'll that I am resigning from my blogging duties. Just kidding! But, I will be making my posts slightly less often than everyday. Just giving ya'll a heads up so you didn't think I went into hibernation or worse captured by sea pirates. I assure ya'll I am up to the same ole everyday ramblings of this life that I live.

Favorite discovery of yesterday: the search bar of weather.com

I wish that this was a magic genie and wherever I typed in POOF I'm there. I would be lunching in Paris and partying in Vegas all while making it to work on the time the next day. That would be the life. And of course, I would go visit their suggested place and enjoy lunch with the Princesses at Disney.

easter eggcellence

It's that time of the year again, you know the post-Easter days. Time for everyone to break out their white clothes and seersucker whatnots. See, I'm just not one of the people. I don't mind wearing my white jeans in the weeks before it's seen kosher. Hate me, judge me, it makes me no difference. I know that somewhere in that head of yours that you are wishing that you had on your white. Jump on the ignorance train with me!

We had a wonderful Easter. I got to celebrate it twice, Delta Easter and Jackson Easter. I need to make this an every holiday occasion. Who would say no to double the gifts on Christmas? Not this chick. Now on to the Easter Eggcellence!

Lundie thoroughly enjoyed what the Easter Bunny dropped off for her.  It took her a minute to figure out which would be her favorite, but in the end the ball reigned supreme.

We dye and hunt eggs every year. You are never too old for a good ole egg hunt. In my passing egg-hunting years, I have grown wiser. I know the good spots to look and the tricks the Bunny likes to pull. Well this year, I outsmarted the Bunny. See, I made the "golden egg" and invented a new egg-hunting tradition. Whoever finds this egg gets $20. It only seems fair with the rising price of gold these days. You'll never guess who found it - ME! I'm thinking about next year making a titanium, rhodium and platinum egg.

My aunt made us confetti eggs for Easter. We cracked a few and saved the rest for Joseph's nieces. When I got to Jackson, they swarmed me to find out what was in the egg box. When I opened it, their mouths flew open full of questions. The best part, JoJo (what they call Beibs) was their target. We took them outside, set Beibs in the middle and away they went. Tons of flying arms came crashing down on his head with the hopes of breaking their eggs. Poor Beibs. Thankfully, he managed to make it out without a black eye.

My mom LOVES to decorate the fridge. It is always plastered in notes, sayings and humiliating pictures. This trip home I discovered this flashback. It may or may not be my Easter picture, but for the fact that I'm wearing pink I'm guessing it to be true. Happy post-Easter from baby me.

Beep, beep, beep

So there I was, minding my own business, in the Walgreen's check out line. Every time I go to that store I walk out with at least five extra things. I wish that the same etiquette applied to convenient store shopping that applies to wedding invitations. If it the invite doesn't say plus one, you are going stag. Alone. Zilch. Solo. When is that rule going to apply in my brain about convenient stores? For my wallets sake, I hope it sooner than later.

Back to point, there I was patiently waiting. In my own space, not overcrowding anyone's comfort zone, just waiting. The lady in front of me FINALLY runs out of coupons to hand the cashier and she is out the door. I took howevermany steps forward to place my stuff on the checkout counter and stood in front of the cashier. I looked at her and she looked at me. This is when the party foul occurred.

Cashier: Wait, you look like somebody.
Me: Really, Who?
Cashier: Has anyone ever told chu that chu look like dat Kim girl?
Me: Uhh, Kim Kardashian? (keep in mind, I haven't seen the seen in months and I run a close resemblance to Casper)
Cashier: Yeah, yeah, yeah dats her.
Me: No, um, I have definitely never been told that. But, thank you!
Cashier scans item. Then, she looks up at me again.
Cashier: Wait, naw, you ain't look like her. You like dat other girl from the tv.
Me: Who is that?
Cashier: You know, dat girl from dat show about dose girls living in dat house. Da Bad Girls Club! You ever seen dat show?
Me: No, I don't believe I have.
Cashier: Yeah, yeah, yeah, dats who you look like. Dat Tasha girl.
Me: Oh, okay. Thanks, I guess. Is that a compliment?
Cashier: Um, naw, not really.

I'm not sure the looks I gave her as she handed me my bag, but I'm pretty sure they were priceless. I immediately got in my car, pulled out the handy-dandy iPhone and googled. For those of you, who like me, have never seen the Bad Girls Club, let me introduce you to my friend "Tasha".

 

If you are ever in need of pick-me-up, be sure and stop by their neighborhood Walgreen's. They specialize in self-esteem boosters and new-makeup-wallet-drainers. Wonderful, wonderful people. I am now a proud CVS shopper (check out their candy aisle. It is ahmazang!). 

Happy Easter Ya'll!

rain

Picture this - its a cloudy day, I'm just driving along, down the interstate minding my own business, staying in my own lane. Then it all starts; the first drop of rain hits my windshield. Full blown hysteria breaks out. I'm talking $2 towel sets at Walmart on Black Friday freakout. (and you know i'm making you watch the video)

People immediately slam on the breaks. Slow down to a good 15mph below the speed limit. Swerve all kinds of crazy all over the road like they are bobbing and weaving through the ladder on the Combine 2012. It's water, people. WATER. If you can drink it, swim in it, and eat it then surely you can drive in it. Grab some Rain-X wiper blades and hit the slow lane. Hide your kids, cats, dogs, lovers, brothers and mothers - it's rain ya'll.

On another car note, THIS happened.

 

The water parted, all the stars aligned and my car fit into the parking space. Pretty sure, at the moment that my side mirror was going to snap in half because of that rather large column, that I pulled some kind of Fringe-ish collision of two universes and the column disappeared. I can proudly say that I made it out of that parking spot with my side mirror intact.

what is the common denominator?

Question: What do this,

and this,

have in common?

Answer: They both have the same author, Suzanne Collins.

WHHATT?!?!? I completely feel like this right now,

Okay, enough with the roadtrip of the blog page, back to my point. I've always heard people are either born with it or they aren't. In Suzanne's case, she was born with the ability to suck the life force out of kids/tweens/me and make them completely enthralled in a character. I spent months of my adult life obsessing over The Hunger Games. I can't even begin to imagine how much of my childhood life was spent watching Clarissa. I wonder if she wrote a script about dieting if she could single-handedly take out US obesity. Yep, my bet is on Suzanne.

i gave in..

I am a terrible person. I have had my brand new iPad3 sitting in the closet for the past the three weeks. THREE WEEKS! I don't know what it was about this newbie. I couldn't take it out the box. I didn't want to take it out the box. I felt bad for my other iPad. What would it think? What would I do with it? I finally caved. After three weeks and countless Beibs threatens to take my new iPad later, she made it her debut. Ladies and gents, here she is, Miss America..

I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm spoiled. Two iPads. And she left one in the box for three weeks. What is wrong with her? Well, don't ya'll fret. I got what I deserved. First, I failed to get not one, not two, but THREE screen protectors on the screen (guess that was karma for each week spent in the box). Then, after finally giving up on the screen protector, drumroll please, the INTERNET WENT OUT! How in God's green earth can you enjoy an iPad without the internet?! Oh wait, you can't because it isn't even set up yet!

I'm ordering my fourth screen protector today. Hopefully, I've been through the rough waters and fate will now be on my side.

Side note: look at this face! I woke up to her sitting on my chest with her head 2 inches from my face, staring at me. Adopt a mutt, it will be the best thing you ever do.

joke's on you

April Fools, you are a mean one. When I was a little girl, I decided that simply having only one day of playing jokes on people wasn't enough. I needed more so I renamed it from April Fools to an April Joke which gave birth to a whole month of pranks. Well, then I decided that a month wasn't enough either and that gave birth to 365 of "April Jokes". To this day, my dad still says, "Oh Emmie, April Joke, April Joke!". Love it.

This year's April Fools was a lot more calm than most. You see, I may be am the world's most gullible person. The joke is almost always on me. Case and point, my friends lovely little prank this year. It all started with a text trying to see if I was awake or not. Then it turned into one of my besties was talking to guy a the bar who turned out to have a girlfriend. How did she figure out he had this girlfriend, you ask? Well, the so-called girlfriend got a little flustered with the flirtiness and decided to punch my bestie in the face resulting in a black eye. First reaction - mortified! Second reaction - her face

Aren't they just gems? Straight canary diamonds. Thankfully they didn't let it go on much farther than that. My bestie was completely unharmed and her face is still intact. That reminded me, I still needed my start on the April Joke. I waited an hour or so and started back on them. My prank went a little something like this: (note: this is a prank and did not in way, shape or form happen in real life)

I sent out a group message telling them that I was so upset. They immediately asked why. I told them that Joseph thought it would be funny to fake propose to me and then stand up and say April Fools. They all died. My inbox was flooded with, Emily are okay? Oh my gosh, that is not funny. He is so cruel. Blah, blah, blah. I didn't answer for a little while to add to the suspense and responded with "Who is the fool now??!! BOOYA!". Game, Set & Match.